


You Hate Your Pulse (because it thinks you're still alive)

by youcantsaveeveryone



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky comes in after Winter Soldier, Gen, I think I'm pretty funny but I'm probably not, Kinda Fluffy, Nat and Bucky speaking Russian, Non Canon Compliant for Civil War, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Sass, it's not civil war compliant but i'm gonna use information from civil war, kinda Bucky POV, kinda angsty, kinda stucky, some cussing, watch me attempt to address civil war without being canon compliant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-23 17:25:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7472988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youcantsaveeveryone/pseuds/youcantsaveeveryone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn't talk about his sister Becca. He introduces himself as Barnes to everyone who’ll listen (even though it feels wrong in his bones and he's quietly thankful for Steve who’s unable to call him anything but Bucky). He keeps his hair long even though the sight of it reminds him of HYDRA and he wants to tear it out. (He solves this with a hair tie that pulls it back. Hair accessories are very un-HYDRA.) He doesn't let Steve know that he's starting to remember, because it'd be too cruel to almost give him his best friend back, only to tell him he’s not that guy anymore.</p><p>--</p><p>In which after Winter Soldier, Bucky comes back but doesn't want to let Steve know he's starting to to remember. And he needs Steve to love who he is now, not who he was in the 40s.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New

**Author's Note:**

> So I got tired of reading/writing angsty post-Civil War fics so I wrote a post-Winter Soldier one instead. I promise updates within the week (probably less tbh) and I promise a nice happy ending (but I make no promises about fluffiness until then). I am, however, incapable of writing things without fluff so...

They give him his own floor in Avengers tower. And slowly, he starts to remember. But he knows he'll never be the same James Buchanan Barnes that Steve remembers, so he doesn't let Steve know.  
  
He doesn't talk about his sister Becca. He introduces himself as Barnes to everyone who’ll listen (even though it feels wrong in his bones and he's quietly thankful for Steve who’s unable to call him anything but Bucky). He keeps his hair long even though the sight of it reminds him of HYDRA and he wants to tear it out. (He solves this with a hair tie that pulls it back. Hair accessories are very un-HYDRA.) He doesn't let Steve know that he's starting to remember, because it'd be too cruel to almost give him his best friend back, only to tell him he’s not that guy anymore.  
  
But Steve Rogers is a stubborn one. He doesn't flinch when Bucky calls him Cap rather than Steve (very carefully and intentionally). He doesn't frown when he asks “Buck, you remember that?” And Bucky shakes his head quickly and firmly (Even though nowadays, there's a 20% chance he actually does remember it). He doesn't even look disappointed when Bucky doesn't return his small smiles like he used to back in 1940 (though Bucky sees it every time as if there's a fucking radar built into his brain specifically attuned to the upward curl of Steve’s lips). But god, for everything he was starting to remember, he could never remember what on earth he did to deserve somebody as painfully determined to be his friend as Steve Rogers.  
  
Lying to Steve makes every part of him ache with regret, but he expects breaking Steve’s heart will feel worse. So he continues to be Barnes, the ex-HYDRA assassin who is not Steve Rogers’ best friend and doesn't make funny snarky remarks and flirt with any living being like Steve said Bucky would. Although he doesn't quite remember, he's pretty sure Steve’s exaggerating on that point anyway. Worse than the lying is the coldness. Steve is warmth, he's safety, he's a vague sense of familiarity that Bucky can't quite place on a specific memory, but he felt it nonetheless. He _knew_ Steve. Back before he dragged him out of the river and before he could even associate his face with his name. Back before he even remembered Steve’s name, he knew him and that was enough to stop HYDRA. But to save him, he continued to push him away, being as cold to Steve as you'd expect from his reputation as the Winter Soldier would.  
  
And one day Bucky decides he'd stop. Not with the lies, no, he didn't think Steve could handle the possibility of his best friend slowly returning (he wasn't, by the way, and never would), but with the coldness and the distance. He couldn't be Bucky from 1940, but he could be a friend in 2015. He could still be friends with Steve on his own terms. They'd start again, no memories, no 1940s, no false hope. If he could get Steve Rogers to be friends with Barnes rather than Bucky, mission accomplished. He could have Steve and not break his heart.  
  
Now all that was left was to see whether Steve would take him as he was now - broken and hardened, not the same man he was in the 40s.

\---  
  
Bucky shows up on the common level at precisely 9.43am. Sam is staring at him as if his shirt is on backwards (it's not, this ex-assassin is perfectly capable of dressing himself, thank you very much), Natasha glances over at Steve, and Steve is smiling without showing his teeth (almost like he's trying to hide it) and looks so happy he might actually start crying on the couch right there.  
  
Get a hold of yourself, Rogers.  
  
Needless to say, it's kind of a rare occurrence to see Bucky outside of his floor other than during missions. Bucky wordlessly moves to the kitchen counter, and shifts his gaze onto Sam who’s visually scanning the cabinets.  
  
“What's for breakfast?” Bucky breaks the uncomfortable silence.  
  
“Well, I was gonna make bacon and eggs. I could make an extra serving, if the Winter Soldier eats that sort of thing.”  
  
Bucky winces, and Sam seems to catch on. Just in case, Bucky responds, “Winter Soldier probably doesn't, he's kind of a sourpuss. James Buchanan Barnes does though. Thanks.”  
  
That tiniest amount of sass was apparently invitation enough for Steve to bound up from the couch next to Bucky by the counter. _Wow Rogers, could you be more desperate?_  
  
“So, what finally brought James Buchanan Barnes out here into our measly common room?” Steve says, slightly nudging Bucky in the side.  
  
Bucky flinches hard. A little harder than he liked. The nudge felt familiar, in a sort of nice way, but he still didn't do so well with touch. That familiarity was probably all that saved Steve from being tossed across the room out of pure instinct. Steve notices, and pulls his arm back so fast he might break something. Bucky’s heart rate ticks up, but Steve looks so apologetic that he calms right back down.  
  
“You know, we assume your floor is made of gold and rainbows, seeing as you want to spend all your time there.” Sam remarks, clearly trying to refocus attention. Steve looks glad for it. “Of course, we’d never know, since we've never been invited up.”  
  
“I'm sure it's about the same as all of your floors.” Bucky replies in a matter-of-fact way.  
  
“Must be nicer than…” Sam was definitely about to mention HYDRA right there and Bucky gives a small smile to reassure him that he was good, despite the fact that he was probably gonna go throw up later thinking about it. Sam changes course anyway, “whatever apartment you were living in back in the 40s, huh?”  
  
“I don't know. Don't remember.”  
  
Goddamn Rogers doesn't even blink. Not missing a beat, he adds, “Oh trust me, this is so much better. Your house used to have terribly squeaky floorboards, you were convinced the whole structure would come down on us if we jumped around too much. And the beds here - if memory foam had been invented back then I don't think I'd ever have enlisted. I would never have left my bed, Buck.”  
  
_Yes you would_. Bucky thought without really thinking. _You're Steve fucking Rogers and you'd be Captain America even if your bed were made of soft marshmallow clouds, goddammit._ And he doesn't know where the thought comes from, and he doesn't have a memory to back it up, but he knows it in his heart. He doesn't let it show though - 70 years of torture teaches you the intricacies of not wearing your heart on your sleeve.  
  
“I guess the world has shitty beds to thank for Captain America, then,” he copies Steve’s toothless smile. Not really, though, because he could never recreate that genuine joy Steve exudes. (He wasn't sure he ever could again) But his imitation is enough to prompt Steve to do the same.  
  
This is good. This is progress. He can be friends with Steve without being Bucky.

Steve could - he had to - be able to accept who he was now. Maybe, maybe then, after Steve’s decided he's ok with a James Barnes who’s been broken and rebuilt through 70 years of pain, he could finally talk about that memory.  
  
It was a memory of the two of them lying on the mats they laid out in his living room. Two best friends who were just turning 16, ready to take on the world, talking about what they wanted to do when they grew up. Steve talked about his art, his drawings. Bucky couldn't remember any images offhand right now, but he remembered they were beautiful. Bucky had talked about the stars. He had wanted to fly into the sky and see the stars. It was impossible then, but not so much now. Steve had laughed and nudged him in the side. (He didn't almost get tossed across the room for his troubles then) But Bucky had always been a dreamer - he'd loved his impossible dreams till HYDRA burnt those dreams right out of him.  
  
That was his first memory of Bucky Barnes. That was the image that came into his mind as he raised his fist to punch Steve one final time on the helicarrier. That was the one anchor that kept him down as he searched for himself in the murky shadowy fog that was his mind. That was what finally brought him in, that found him in the lobby of Avengers tower one morning. He clung to the memory every day. Maybe one day he'd tell Steve.  
  
Or maybe that would be too cruel. The way Steve looks at him, like he's waiting for his best friend to jump out and say “Surprise Stevie, I'm back and I've been here the whole time!”. He didn't want that. He didn't want Steve to cling on to the false hope that Bucky Barnes would reappear someday. His memory returning was not the same as that kid returning, as much as Steve believes otherwise.  
  
So Bucky keeps the memory to himself, and locks it right in his heart. And he hates it every day.  
  
\---  
  
Bucky has trouble sleeping. Nightmares are one thing - at least you have to be asleep for some amount of time to have nightmares. No, it's the falling asleep that gets to him. Falling asleep isn't easy when you're expecting a jolt of electricity to hit you the moment you drift out of consciousness. One of the many things HYDRA did to break him.  
  
His bed helps. HYDRA had never given him such a soft bed, though he now realizes that might have been more cruel. Give him a nice soft bed and then shock him every time he tries to fall asleep. As he lies in his mountain of 4 pillows (which was 3 too many, he had told Steve), he thinks that's one thing he's thankful for. Soft beds that didn't belong to HYDRA.  
  
He’s gotten used to the common area now that he's been there over the last few days. He would never go there in the dead of night otherwise. He’d be too vulnerable, and he had to know all possible hiding spots and escape routes before he could venture anywhere in the dark. Force of habit.  
  
He was sure 1940 Bucky Barnes didn't have that habit.  
  
Tonight he finally felt confident enough to visit the floor at 3.35am. It might be nice to get a glass of milk. HYDRA had never given him nice cool dairy products. And seeing as he hadn't really bothered to keep his own fridge fully stocked, he might have to steal Steve’s from the common floor.  
  
But there would be no stealing tonight, because there Steve was, drinking his own milk out of his mug with a cow giving a thumbs up printed on the front. Bucky wished Steve didn't have night vision as good as himself, because he would have turned around and walked away immediately. He wasn't ready to talk to Steve one-on-one and definitely not in the middle of the night while he was running on no sleep for the past 48 hours. And yet, here they are. And Steve could most definitely see him.  
  
“Can't sleep, Buck?”  
  
Bucky nods.  
  
“Nightmares?” Steve offers, clearly trying to start a conversation. “Tonight I dreamt of that time we were in Southern France. The time where Morita had a cold and Dum Dum called him Rudolph for a whole week because of his red nose. It was the only light in a week where we were pinned into the same location by forces coming in all directions. We all nearly went out laughing at Morita’s red nose… You remember that?”  
  
“No.” It wasn't a lie. It sounded like a great story, but not one that was ringing any bells in Bucky’s head. He kind of wished he could remember that joy, but he was glad to not have to lie again. He thinks for a moment, then adds, “HYDRA used to use sleep deprivation. I can't fall asleep because every time I do I expect to be assaulted with about a hundred volts.”  
  
Steve falls silent. Bucky sees his small smile go flat. After a five second silence, Steve mumbles, “Jesus, Bucky.”  
  
_That was mean_ , Bucky thinks. Steve had just wanted to reminisce, and Bucky had dumped a big bombshell of a reveal to make him feel bad. But he really didn't want to talk about memories he didn't want Steve to try to get his best friend back. And memories of the Winter Soldier were some of the only things Bucky let himself talk about, so there isn't much else material to draw from.  
  
“Sorry,” Bucky says quietly.  
  
“No, no it's fine. I… I’m glad you're at least talking about it… Talking to me.” Steve takes another sip from his cow mug. God damn Rogers is too nice about this whole situation. Does he know he's talking to an assassin who tried to kill him a few months back?  
  
_Hm_. It occurs to Bucky. _Maybe he needs a reminder._ He comes right out and says it.  
  
“You know, I'm not that guy you knew back in the 1940s. I barely remember him at all. I’m… I'm someone else entirely.” He expects Steve’s face to crumble, he expects disappointment, he expects at least a sorrowful gulp of milk to drown down his pain.  
  
He gets none of that.  
  
“I know. It's just… It's hard to remember that you're not Bucky when you're so… _you_.” Bucky had no idea what Steve meant, but let him continue. “I guess I'm just having a hard time. But I get it. You know, let's start again. You're not my best friend Bucky Barnes from 1940, but we can still be friends, right? I want to still be friends.”  
  
_Took the damn words right out of my mouth, Rogers._ Bucky thinks. He smiles. It's his own smile, this time, not an imperfect copy of Steve’s.  
  
“Right, Cap.” Steve still doesn't react to Bucky not using his name. Good job, Rogers. “Now, since we’re gonna be friends and all, could I have some of that milk? Sharing is a thing friends do, right?”  
  
They sit, quietly drinking milk next to each other in the dead of night.

 


	2. Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this was a fast update. It's almost like I started writing this part right after I posted the first one! But that would mean I don't have a life! (true facts: I don't). Enjoy!

 

Steve thinks he's being sneaky, but he really isn't, and Bucky knows exactly where he's running off to every other Tuesday. He knows the apartment number, and the nice birch door that number is printed neatly on, and the apartment building in which that birch door sits, and the street on which that apartment stands. He knows because he stood right outside the door his first week back, daring himself to knock on the door, but eventually walking away with his head hanging low.

 

“When did you start visiting Rebecca Barnes?” 

 

Steve almost chokes on his drink. Admittedly, the question had come out of nowhere, but given how blatantly obvious Steve had made his visits, Bucky doesn't understand Steve’s outraged-at-that-claim yet simultaneously confused-at-how-he-found-out expression. 

 

“You disappear at exactly the same time every Tuesday, which first made me suspicious. You always leave with pictures of me, and come back tears eyed and last week you brought back dog tags with ‘James Buchanan Barnes’ on them, which I'm assuming belonged to m… Him.” He is careful to differentiate himself from pre-HYDRA Bucky. He also very intentionally avoids mentioning that when he first saw the dog tags his stomach turned because he remembered them and he remembered Zola in that base before Steve had come to rescue him. And he'd run his hands over the dog tags and recite his name, designation, and number over and over so he'd never forget them. It didn't exactly work, but maybe it made his memories as stubborn as they are, coming at him hard and fast every few days. He had said that he assumed they belonged to him. He would never tell Steve that he remembered how much they meant to him.

 

“Really, Cap, you are the opposite of sneaky,” Bucky remarks. 

 

“Okay, you got me.” Steve shakes his head, appearing to mentally berate himself for his carelessness. He sits in deep thought for the moment, and Bucky takes that to mean that the conversation is over. He turns back to his book. 

 

A good five minutes pass before Steve speaks again. “I'm going again tomorrow. And I think you should come with.” 

 

It's Bucky’s turn to almost choke on his drink. They'd been through this. He wasn't the same person that he was in 1940, and as far as Steve knows, he doesn't even remember Becca. “You know I don't know her.”

 

“Yes, but she knows you. She just wants to know you're ok. I update her every other week, and I tell her you still don't remember her, but… I think she'd like to see you. Just to see you're alive and okay.”

 

Bucky was involuntarily chewing on his lower lip. (Fuck, that was too much of a Bucky thing to do - he could see it in Steve’s eyes. He stopped, making a mental note not to do that again.) He didn't want to have to lie to Becca, and look her straight in the eye and feign a lack of recognition. It wouldn't be a complete lie. He knew who she was, and he remembered how it felt to love a little sister, but he didn't remember her per se. He only had vague pieces here and there to go on. 

 

He doesn't know how he comes to a decision, but he answers, “Okay, if you say so.” And almost immediately regrets his decision.

 

\---

 

Rebecca Barnes lives with her son and his family, though they're out on Tuesday afternoons, making it the best time to visit. She's always thankful to Steve for making her life a little less boring with his stories and reminiscing. She's lived a full life, and Bucky makes a mental note of the names of his nephew and grand nieces as Steve blabbers on about them on the way there.

 

They knock on her door, and Becca, strong and willful as ever even in her eighties, opens the door. Steve fortunately reaches forward to catch her, because she almost a falls over when she sees Bucky’s face. 

 

“Bucky!” She smiles. She must understand the situation. She must think Bucky doesn't recognize or remember her. But she exclaims with all the enthusiasm of a fifteen year old seeing her brother return from the Army on his first vacation.

 

And fuck. Because as Bucky looks at her, it hits him like a ton of bricks and he  _ recognizes  _ her. He sees her eyes and feels familiarity. He looks at her frail frame and feels love. She reaches to touch his hand and he remembers family. Bucky doesn't even flinch this time when he’s touched, though he really imagines he should've to avoid suspicion.

 

“Do you remember her, Buck?”

 

Bucky quickly shakes his head, almost out of instinct. He smiles at Becca, a small, sad smile, and says in the quietest voice he can, “I'm sorry.” But she parts his hand gently, and returns the smile.

 

They sit inside for an hour, talking about stories of Bucky that Rebecca remembers. Bucky remembers some of them, just a few pieces here and there, more general feelings than specific details, but it's enough to keep him content. Ever few minutes, either Steve or Rebecca look over at Bucky, hopeful that they've sparked some memory or recognition in Bucky, and Bucky shrugs and looks at the floor, praying that his slowly tearing eyes don't betray him. 

 

Steve excuses himself to the bathroom right before it’s time to leave. He leaves Bucky and Rebecca in the living room alone. Bucky is seated on a chair in a corner of the room (back to the wall, just the way he likes it), while Becca is seated on the couch in the middle of the room, facing another couch where Steve had previously sat. 

 

Bucky looks at the sad smile on Becca’s face. He sees his baby sister - he had never known her as an adult, only a teenager. He tries to hold on to a memory of her, but none comes. Instead, all he can remember is warmth and happiness and nothing that matched the tears she was clearly fighting to hold back. Tears for him. 

 

What kind of shit big brother lets his little sister cry?

 

“Bec” He walks over and whispers, in a voice so quiet he knows not even a super soldier with enhanced hearing could hear from the next room. He vaguely recalls that's what he'd call her sometimes, and he prays hard that he's right.

 

“Bucky?” She stares at him, hopeful.

 

“Look, I remember you. Well, sort of. It's kind of a work in progress. But I can't let him know,” He gestures to the direction Steve left. “He wants his best friend from 1940. You want your brother from then too. I'm not him. I can't be him. No number of memories will make me him again and it's not fair to give either of you that hope.”

 

“Oh I know, Bucky, it's been 70 years. I'm not the same Becca you knew either.” 

 

“But for Steve it's just been 3 years and you know him, stubborn as an ass. I don't need any of my memory to know that. He’ll think he can get his best friend back, but that Bucky is gone. He only gets this broken one in return.”

 

“Bucky, you're not broken.”

 

“You have no idea, Bec. But promise me, you won't tell him.”

 

“You know I kept secrets for you all the time, right? Mom never found out that it was you who broke her vase, she still thinks it was Timmy from down the street playing with his slingshot.”

 

Bucky smiles. He doesn't remember that, either, but the thought makes him relax his tense shoulders. “I don't remember everything, but I remember one thing: I love you, Becca. God, how could I forget my baby sister?” 

 

Becca is smiling so wide that Bucky’s heart warms. 

 

When Steve returns, Bucky is back in the corner of the room and Steve can't for the life of him figure out why Becca’s in such a chipper mood. He thanks Becca and moves toward the door. Bucky stops right at the exit, and turns around to thank Becca too.

 

Steve has no idea how sincerely thankful Bucky is.

 

\---

 

They return to the tower, and someone new is in the common area when they walk in. 

 

“Oh, Buck, you haven't met Tony, have you? He just got back from a long holiday with Pepper. He funds the Avengers.”

 

Bucky looks at Tony. He almost looks familiar, which is a feeling he's been well acquainted with these days, but he knows it's not his memory failing him. This man can't be more than 50, and there's no way Bucky knew him before everything. 

 

“Tony, this is Bu… Uh… Barnes.”

 

_ Wow Steve, you're actually catching on. _

 

“Ah, Steve’s crazy assassin boyfriend, pleasure. Tony Stark.” 

 

Great, another snarky one. 

 

But the name sticks with him. Stark. It's a name that nags at him, almost like Steve’s face does when he took a good hard look on that highway. Something that’s right on the surface, something that he ought to remember. Something from before HYDRA? Maybe, but it seemed like more. There was an expo. Then there was a man. Then there was a car. And then there was December 16, 1991. Oh god. 

 

Bucky almost throws up right there and then. He looks at Tony and suddenly, in Tony's eyes snark and charm he sees Howard Stark, and in his voice he swears he almost hears him say "Sergeant Barnes..." one last time before he punches the life out of him. Tony Stark. Son of Howard Stark. Orphaned by his very hands. God, Bucky's head was racing and his heart was pumping so hard he felt like he was going to pass out, even though that was ridiculous, super soldiers don't pass out. His mouth moves before he can even think of the words to say, and the words that do emerge shock him almost as much as they do Tony.

 

“I think I killed your parents.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update will be within the week, and not within 24 hours like this one. (look forward to my not so subtle sort of civil war fix it) Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Comments sustain me <3


	3. Calm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My not-so-subtle Civil War fix-it, and the one in which they have a team outing. (:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got this one out within the week and it's longer than I expected! WHOO!
> 
> Non-English words translated at the end!

“Excuse me?”

_You heard me_. Bucky almost says. _I punched your father right in the face and killed him and I didn't even need the metal arm to choke the life right out of your mother and I'm so sorry._

But he says none of that. His throat tightens and the voice that emerges is not entirely familiar even to him. He finds himself staring at Tony straight in the eye as he recites in a monotone, in a way that almost seems rehearsed.

“Mission report, December 16, 1991.” Tony flinches at the date. Disbelief had flickered for a brief moment before, but not now. Now, Bucky thinks, he can't even tell what Stark is thinking, though he can probably imagine the hatred coursing through Stark’s veins. Bucky tries to hold his tongue, but the words come hot and fast, almost like he's trying to scrub them out of his body by spewing them all over the floor. “Sanction and Extract. No witnesses. Front right tire punctured. Witnesses injured in crash. Two. First terminated by blunt force trauma using arm. Second terminated through suffocation. Mission success -” Bucky almost stops himself from saying the last but of the report, but his mouth is apparently done listening to his brain for now. It’s probably for the better, because every neuron in his brain is telling him that he needs to throw up, but that doesn’t seem to be happening either.

“Acceptable Collateral Damage.”

He finishes. Steve’s arms are almost around Bucky. _Back off, Rogers_. The last thing he needs now is to feel suffocated by a warm Steve hug, because he can barely breathe right now. He barely dares to even look up at Stark’s face, but does eventually. He is faced with absolute shock.

This is one of those moments where Bucky thinks he needs to be less of the Winter Soldier, and more of Bucky Barnes. And suddenly his voice is his again, and his face shows all the sadness of a man whose guilt could swallow him whole if he let it - though he never did. “I'm sorry. It was me, but I had no control. I was a weapon, and fuck I know I didn't have a choice but it was me and if you're pissed and want to chase me out of your tower and beat me half to death I'll get it. But I'm sorry.”

Tony doesn't budge, but he looks warily at him and says, “Did you remember him?”

He isn't referring to Howard’s killing, no. Bucky has already proven he remembers that, probably in more detail than any of them would have liked. Tony wants to know if Bucky remembers the expo, the man, the genius.

“I knew him”

Steve’s head shoots up. _You'd want me to remember Howard, huh Rogers? Sorry to disappoint._

“At least I think I knew him. He recognized me, called me Sergeant Barnes. I didn’t - I don't - remember him.” Steve shifts his glance back to Tony as Bucky clarifies. “Sorry,” Bucky adds, for the benefit of both Stark and Steve.

“I've read your file, Barnes. By the way, they made a movie about your life, it's called the Manchurian Candidate, you should see it, fantastic film.” Tony’s humor has a sad tinge to it. Bucky thinks that if he had made that joke in a different context, he might even have laughed. A patronizing laugh, because HYDRA hadn't exactly given The Winter Soldier movie nights so he had no idea how accurate Tony’s comparison was, but a laugh nonetheless. But Bucky just looks at the ground instead.

“I get it, it wasn't you. Fucking HYDRA. I should've known they were somehow behind that ‘accident’.” Tony looks up at Bucky. “Look, I know it wasn't you, but I'm gonna need you to give me a while. I can't really go from this discovery to being BFFs with my parents’ killer and doing each other’s hair…”

Just when Bucky was getting comfortable in the tower… He's probably going to be asked not-very-politely to leave. Bucky thinks he can probably find somewhere nice in Brooklyn, right? Steve will want to come along. It might be a good idea to let him. Or not. Yeah, definitely not. Put Steve and Bucky together in Brooklyn and they just might spend all day crying in their rooms over 70 lost years.

Definitely not bringing Steve along.

“But I don't hate you. At least, I don't want to. Just… Give me time, ok?” Bucky stares. There is no mention of him having to leave, and no sign that Tony’s about to pounce on him and throw as hard a punch as he can muster. (Which, by the way, Bucky would've taken like a champ)

Bucky doesn't mention or react to the fact that Tony is breathing almost as fast as he is, and that he's probably as close to passing out as he is. Tony tries to exude charm as he struts out, but Bucky sees right through him.

Both Tony and Bucky don't get any sleep that night. But Bucky is still in his bed and he isn't beaten half to death so he counts that as a win.

\---

It takes Steve 8 days to ask.

Bucky knows it's inevitable. He proved he has memories from his time as The Winter Soldier, and Steve I-want-my-best-friend-back Rogers is almost definitely gonna want to know more about how that works and whether that means Bucky also remembers his time before The Winter Soldier. _It's (very unfortunately) kind of a package deal, pal,_ but Bucky would never tell.

“So you remember 1991?” Steve asks tentatively. Bucky winces in response. “Uh… Too soon?”

“Cap, I was a brainwashed prisoner of HYDRA for over seventy years. I'm pretty sure any time in the next century is too soon.”

It's Steve’s turn to wince, and Bucky had promised himself he’d be less harsh toward Steve about his memory, so he answers. It's a lie, but come on, he's not _that_ generous.

“Yeah, I remember stuff from being The Winter Soldier. But nothing from before.”

_Don't pout, Rogers. It's unbecoming of an American icon._ Steve tries his best to hide his disappointment, but it's written everywhere on his open book of a face and of course Bucky could read him easily. He's only known the guy for almost a century. But Steve’s only known this Bucky for a couple of months, and he can't read Bucky in the same way, so he doesn't know what's up with Bucky’s contemplative face (that very intentionally does not involve chewing on his bottom lip).

Bucky’s thinking of throwing Steve a bone. Something. One memory, maybe. He bargains with himself. Just a small memory, maybe he'll mention Coney Island once, in passing. But he knows Steve will hear it, and he knows how happy Steve will be, and Steve will latch onto that and he'll hope and pray everyday that Bucky will come back to him and he'll be disappointed because it won't happen. It can't happen. So Bucky saves him the disappointment, and all the steps in between. He doesn't mention Coney Island, or forcing Steve to ride the cyclone, or how they ate so much cotton candy they puked and their puke came out all pink and gooey. And he most definitely does not mention that it was one of the best days of his life.

“What're you thinking about?”

“Just your inability to sensitively deal with a victim of 70 years of brainwashing. God, Rogers, you can't just ask a guy about his assassinations.”

Bucky very carefully over emphasizes every word, so Steve knows he’s kidding. He likes to kid. It's something he shares with 40s Bucky. But it's something that makes him different from The Winter Soldier. Acceptable balance, he'd decided. Today’s Bucky was allowed make jokes because 40s Bucky didn't have a monopoly over it.

So he jokes and doesn't talk about his memories.

\---

The universe just really likes to fuck with him, because Bucky finds himself in Coney Island again within the week.

The night Steve first suggests it, Bucky returns to his room slightly earlier than usual. He sits on his bed and thinks long and hard, before talking toward the ceiling, “Hey JARVIS, do I talk in my sleep?”

“Sergeant, I do not keep tabs on you while you sleep. Mr Stark has absolutely no interest in what your private lives are like and he does not allow me unrestricted access to your rooms.”

“Right… And he also didn't program you to say all of that.” Bucky responds, completely unconvinced.

“That is correct, Sergeant.” Bucky could believe JARVIS was smiling, if he had a face. Bucky sits for a while, staring at a spot on the ceiling where he imagines JARVIS’ face to be, almost like he's challenging him to a stare-off which he couldn't possibly win because you can't blink if you don't have eyelids (or eyes, really).

“You do not talk in your sleep.”

“Thanks, JARVIS.” He contemplates telling JARVIS to stop spying on him, but then decides that it's for the best if there's someone making sure he doesn't snap and go on a Winter Soldier assassination spree one day. And it'll give Tony some peace of mind, he hopes.

So Bucky is pretty sure that he hasn't somehow let the fact that he remembers Coney Island slip (it was impossible, everything he’s said has been so calculated and careful), so the idea was all Steve’s.

Steve thought it might jog his memory. He even suggested they bring along Nat, Sam and Clint, who were sitting around in the same room so I guess that's why Steve felt compelled to invite them. He also suggested Stark, but Bucky was pretty sure he'd decline when he found out that a certain ex-HYDRA assassin was also on the guest list.

Time. Stark had asked for time, and Bucky would give it to him.

Bucky isn't sure why he agrees to anything anymore, but he does. He agrees to go on Steve's crazy adventure to dig up his dead friend from the depths of Bucky’s fractured mind. But it won't work, because Bucky has tried. Believe him, he's tried to be that same person again.

He is Bucky Barnes. He is the Winter Soldier. He is a survivor. And he can't be any of those things alone. He is definitely not the same guy he was in 1940.

But he can't say no to Steve, not when he has those puppy eyes and his sad smile and he's speaking with all the the same enthusiasm that he had when he talked about first joining the army. So he agrees to go. He agrees to play along only to break Steve’s heart over and over, because the alternative would be so much more cruel.

\---

Coney Island is similar, but not the same. Nothing is the same in this strange new world, Bucky is slowly discovering, but he relishes finding tiny similarities between the world he grew up in and the world he is faced with.

The rides are different. They apparently adhere to new ‘safety standards’, Sam claims when Bucky comments on how lame they look. Bucky doesn't mention that he remembers how fun they used to be, and how tame the rides appear now in comparison. But his memory hasn't been the most reliable either.

_The rides were plenty safe back then_ Bucky thinks, unwilling to share. _We rode every ride about 25 times and lived to tell the tale._

The carnival games weren't too different. They’re always the classic ring tosses, or basketball hoops, or test-your-strength machines that are clearly rigged because if not even Captain America can win that stuffed bear, nobody can. Bucky remembers the exact stall at which he blew his and Steve’s train ticket money trying to win a prize for some girl whose name he couldn't remember. He knows it's not his memory failing him this time, because he wasn't really trying to impress any girl. He never was. He just liked how proud Steve looked when he successfully won a prize. And Steve would always be so upset that he wasn't tall enough or strong enough to win one of those giant stuffed animals (that would've triggered his asthma anyway) that even if Bucky failed, he'd put his arm around Steve’s shoulder and laugh, saying “you're smart not to try, Stevie, those things are rigged”

“If carnival games were this expensive in the 40s, Bucky would've lost his entire house to get one of those prizes” Steve nudges Bucky. Bucky gives a small smile, because he thinks that if he smiles too wide, or dwells too much on the memory, everything would come spewing out and the past few weeks of lying would've been for nothing.

It clearly isn't an issue for Nat, Clint or Sam, because they all smile big smiles and laugh at the expense of Bucky. It's ok, Bucky thinks, they're laughing at old Bucky. And he doesn't mind at all. The Winter Soldier would probably win every carnival game with his eyes closed. Well, if the mission depended on him completing different tasks like a ring toss to get to his target. Which is a ridiculous thought that actually makes Bucky chuckle to himself.

Sam is playing skee ball over in the corner, mostly because he had insisted that anybody else playing would've constituted cheating, and it simply wouldn't be right for an Avenger to cheat some hard working one citizen of their stuffed animal. And so, Sam insisted he carried the great burden of playing on behalf of all of them.

Clint protests, saying “Skee balls aren't the same as arrows. They don't have pointy tips or anything!”, but proceeds to immediately throw a 100, making Sam raise an eyebrow while Clint backs off smugly. So Clint stands off to the side now, giving pointers to Sam, which apparently doesn't constitute as cheating. Steve and Nat are looking on, amused by Clint’s reverence for the intricacies of aiming a Skee ball. Bucky is content to stand a little further off to the side, where he can take in his surroundings on relative peace, and where he can mutter under his breath without fearing Steve might catch him in the act.

He clearly underestimates the observational ability of a trained spy, because Natasha catches on pretty fast, and walks over to him, the faintest of smiles poking at the sides of her lips.

“Привет.”

The word itself was fine, Natasha’s just saying hi. But the Russian is familiar to Bucky, in a way he wishes it wasn't. It made his insides turn a little. Old Bucky had never learnt the language, so everything about the language and his understanding of it belonged to the Soldier, and he wasn't exactly a fan.

Natasha frowns. “Russian is a no go, then? I thought it might make this a little less awkward.”

Bucky shakes his head. “Let's stick with English for now.”

Natasha nods, seamlessly transitioning back into a smile. She surveys her surroundings in a way very different from the way she scans a battlefield, there's something in the way she carries herself outside of battle that makes her seem so much more at ease. Bucky wishes he could leave the soldier on the mission field too, but he hangs like a shadow inside him.

“So… Is any of this ringing any bells?”

Bucky chooses not to lie, but opts not to tell the truth either.

“I can't be the Bucky that Cap wants me to be.”

“Well then don't be.”

Bucky stares at her, not quite comprehending what she's getting at. Natasha smiles a more serene smile, and says, “You're not the same Bucky you were. Hell, Barnes (emphasis on the word), I'm not sure if you're Bucky at all anymore. But you're you, and if Steve is too busy searching for his old friend to see he has a new one right here then he's as dumb as I've always suspected.”

_You don't get it,_ Bucky wanted to protest. _You don't know pig-headed Rogers like I do and you don't know how he'd run to the ends of the world for m- for him. The old Bucky Barnes._

“Tell Rogers he's gotta stop living in the past,” Natasha somehow appears to read Bucky’s mind. “Hell, if we were all defined by our pasts, I'd never pass for an Avenger. Steve is gonna see you for who you are, not who you were. I promise.”

Turns out Natasha’s been hiding a shit ton of wisdom behind that smirk this whole time. Bucky actually smiles back, to his own surprise. He looks behind him to see Sam throw a respectable 50, to Steve’s cheers and Clint’s face-palming, and looks in front of him to see Natasha who gets it in a way he wishes Steve would. And suddenly the past doesn't seem as daunting as it used to. Suddenly it was something that didn't have to define his future, and maybe Steve could see that too.

Bucky smiles a genuine smile, and says with confidence, “Спасибо.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm currently learning Russian and what better place to apply my newfound knowledge than in this fic right?
> 
> Привет - Hi  
> Спасибо - Thanks
> 
> I am also a firm believer in the fact that if Tony had heard the news in any other circumstance (i.e. Not at the end of the worst week of his life where he had to fight his friends and watch his best friend get seriously injured all after Pepper broke up with him and he finds out that someone he considered a friend knew the whole time and didn't tell him), he would've reacted far more rationally. He'd be upset, obviously, but he'd rationalize who was really to blame. I can't blame him for his emotional reaction because of where he was in that movie, but I /can/ change the circumstances under which he finds out. 
> 
> Come yell at me (or validate me) in the comments!


	4. Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all I kind of accidentally clicked delete on the chapter when I was trying to delete a draft because I'm stupid, so here it is again.
> 
> For the people who left comments on the chapter before (I saw all 4 comments, I get them in my email so no worries) thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'm sorry I deleted your comments from this plane of existence :(

Today is a good day. And Bucky’s not just saying that because he's so full of cotton candy that he can barely stand. He’s holding another stick in his hand, and he can't quite remember how it got there, but he isn't complaining. 

He sits on a bench, staring out at the familiar yet oddly distant sight of Coney Island, where he had spent the best moments of his life - a life that ended when he fell from that train, but also the best moments of the life that had started when Steve first said his name on that highway. 

“Bucky,” Steve says on cue, as he sits down next to Bucky.

This time, he knows who the hell Bucky is. Bucky is that kid who dragged Steve’s ass out of fights that he couldn't possibly win. Bucky is the guy who refused to leave Steve’s bedside when he was dying of pneumonia. Bucky is the friend who followed Steve into the jaws of death and died to protect him. But as much as he wished he could be, he isn't that Bucky. 

He’s a Bucky who’d been through 70 years of torture and brainwashing and killed friends and strangers in the name of a cause he had fought so hard against. He’s a Bucky who can see 63 different ways to kill Steve right now (ok, 64 if you stand any closer to that ledge, Rogers). But through it all, Steve just stares at him with the same smile like nothing's wrong in the world but everything is and Bucky doesn't want or deserve that same reverence that old Bucky got.

And the cotton candy in his stomach is churning. 

“How you feelin’, Buck?”

“Full. Good.” He lies and forces a smile. He wonders if Steve can tell. 

“You remember any of it?” Steve points over to the left. Bucky doesn't even have to look in that direction to know what he’s pointing at. “You forced me to ride the Cyclone that one time. I got so sick I was throwing up for a full hour. It was pretty fun though.” 

Steve sighs a satisfied sigh. Steve is a shithead, because Bucky remembers it and he knows it was definitely not fun for Steve. Steve was woozy for the rest of the day from throwing up and Bucky felt so bad that he kept apologizing and trying to feed him corn dogs so he'd feel better. Steve had put on a brave front and insisted that it was worth it but Bucky had frowned and stared at him in the eye and promised they'd never ride the cyclone again if Steve didn't want to. 

But Steve sounds satisfied and Bucky says nothing about it. 

“Nothing.” Bucky finally answers after a while, trying to push back the flood of memories threatening to swallow him whole. 

“No worries Buck, you'll get them back eventually. We’ll come again then,” he grins at Bucky. “It'll be just like old times.”

And Bucky realizes that He's dealing with Steve fucking Rogers, world record holder for absolute pigheadedness, who'll never take a hint and never give up. And it's every value that Bucky adored about Steve, but he just wished so much that he wouldn't apply it to him. Steve would never stop searching for his best friend. No matter how much Bucky pushed Steve away he could never kill Steve hope and Steve’s faith and Steve’s love and Bucky has to stop this now before it tears Steve apart. He promises himself he’s doing the right thing. 

This has to be the right thing. 

“Stop, Rogers.” Bucky says through grit teeth. He sounds about as harsh as he'd wanted (good job, Barnes), and he doesn't at all sound like he's about to cry (someone hand him his academy award), so he continues. 

“I'm not that guy. I'm not the Bucky Barnes you know in the 40s, or the friend you grew up with or whatever else you did with him. I don't remember it and frankly, I don't give a shit.”

Bucky almost stops because that line kind of went overboard, but he was in the heat of the moment, so he doesn't hold his tongue and his shouts increase in volume and anger. 

“Stop trying to make me that guy. I don't remember shit, and hell I probably never will. You said you wanted to be friends with James Barnes here and now, but you really just want to make me into someone I'm not. Well, Rogers, I've had enough of this bullshit talk about ‘my’ memories because I sure as shit don't have them and you’re making it pretty fucking clear you don't want to be friends with me if I ain't Bucky.” 

Bucky knows he’s shaking, but he tries his best to hide it. Steve doesn't try at all, and he looks like he's about to start bawling. Great, how are you gonna explain the fact that you made Captain America cry in public, Barnes?

But Steve holds himself together, and he blinks rapidly, and he looks up at Bucky and Bucky almost folds right there and then and apologizes to Steve like he did after the Cyclone. But this isn't the Cyclone. Bucky won't make that mistake twice. This is stopping the ride before it starts, so Steve won't have to throw up for an hour. This is crushing him now so that he won't have to be crushed further in the future, and Bucky was very, very sorry, but he couldn't say it and he couldn't fix the problem by stuffing corn dogs in Steve’s face. 

“Sorry,” fucking Steve says instead of him, and Bucky wants to tear his own heart out. Steve Rogers needs to stop being a goddamn Saint or this ruse isn't about to survive another five minutes. 

“I just miss him so much. And I know you're not him,” Steve’s voice is shaking and Bucky’s stomach is turning. “And I've been so unfair to you by only thinking about Bucky. And I'm sorry. I do want to be friends, with you, not just Bucky.”

Steve smiles. Bucky notes that it's forced. He could always tell, because not even a super soldier serum and months on the Vaudeville circuit could make Steve a good actor. Bucky tries his hardest to do something to acknowledge it without melting into a puddle of sadness and regret on the floor, and all he can manage is a nod. He stands up and walks away, leaving his remaining cotton candy on the floor. It was sickeningly sweet, anyway.

Bucky’s sure he throws up a full hour after that, but there's nobody to feed him corn dogs to make him feel better.

\---

Steve doesn't bring up Bucky’s memories after that. 

A few days later, JARVIS informs him he has a package, and has it delivered to his floor. It’s a nice brown notebook, with a small note with the words “sorry” scribbled on it. Bucky muses at how Steve still has the same handwriting after all these years, and opens the notebook. 

And then Bucky realizes it looks exactly like the one that used to sit in his house in 1940. It was nothing fancy, nothing extravagant, nothing like those gorgeous books you see today with leather covers and impeccable binding (oh, the excesses of Western capitalism). It was just a plain notebook with “Bucky” written on the first page. He remembers he had Steve write it for him then too, since his own handwriting was less like writing and more like a three year old given free reign over an ink pen. Steve’s attempt at cursive writing looked just as it did 70 years ago.

He says nothing about how Steve is still subtly trying to jog his memory - he wouldn’t know about the notebook if not for his memory anyway. But he holds the notebook close to his chest and breathes it in. He breathes in all the memories he’s lucky enough to have found, and he holds tightly to the notebook, as if it would fade away along with his memories if he let go. 

And then Bucky decides to return the favor. He removes the hair tie from the tangled mess of his hair, and shifts his gaze up into JARVIS’ lack of a face.

“JARVIS, find me the nearest hairdresser.”

\---

Turns out, there’s one just a block away and Bucky is there and back within the hour. 

He catches a glimpse of himself in a store window on the way back, and he stuns himself. He is staring at a ghost. A picture of a man who died falling off a train in the winter of 1944. But it feels right, like a part of himself can finally relax again. He smiles, and it’s the smile of old Bucky, and somehow it all feels right. 

He walks into the common area and has to stifle a laugh when he sees Sam’s jaw almost literally fall off its hinges. He runs his fingers through his hair (not the metal ones, but the flesh ones, so that he can for one second pretend he isn’t a trained assassin), and flashes Sam a grin.

“Okay, I must be going of of my mind. Steve, you seeing this?”

And of course Steve is ‘seeing this with the dumbest, biggest grin on his teddy bear face. He looks like he’s about to drop everything and run to Bucky and give him a huge hus, but he very visibly stops himself. 

“I like the look, Buck. Why’d you cut it?”

“Just felt like a change was in order,” Bucky glances up at Steve. He wonders if Steve suspects anything, but he doubts it. Steve wears his heart on his sleeve and he’s pretty sure Captain America isn’t capable of hiding what he really thinks. Right now, Steve is staring at Bucky as if he’s the best thing since sliced bread and Bucky’s kind of glad he bothered to throw Steve something to make his shitty week better. 

Bucky was kind of the reason for the shitty week anyway.

“Ok Barnes I never believed Steve when he told me about all the girls you got, but god damn I see what he was talking about now,” Sam remarks.

“What, you didn’t think it was because of my winning personality?” Bucky teases in return, and sits himself next to Sam on the couch.

Steve looks like he’s about to cry for joy (which is a pretty common look for Steve recently, Bucky notes), and he’s smiling a toothy grin. He finds himself a spot on the couch next to Bucky, and the three of them are chatting as if the events of Coney Island never took place.

Steve doesn’t bring up any memories, and Bucky doesn’t know if he’s glad or disappointed.

That night, Bucky returns to his room, and starts scribbling in his new notebook with his 3 year old handwriting. He desperately pens down the memories he has - sleepovers with Steve, the war, Coney Island. He writes until his hand is sore and then he writes some more. 

When he’s done, he holds the notebook to his chest and falls asleep with the notebook still clutched tightly to him. He never wants to let go.

He never wants to forget again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update within the week, you know the drill (:


	5. Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team finally gets off their ass and goes on a mission. And then there are words. But probably not the words you were expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter titles are a thing now!

The next day, Bucky is woken by JARVIS, who informs him that he is expected in the mission briefing room in fifteen minutes. Fortunately, his hair now requires far less maintenance, so Bucky groggily throws on his gear and drinks enough coffee to wake a dead man (and he laughs because he thinks it's an appropriate description), then gets in the elevator to get to work.

Maria Hill is at the head of the table, where she always is. She might actually be surgically attached to the chair there. Bucky has insufficient evidence to neither confirm nor deny this. He's never seen her out of that chair, and that somehow makes her even more intimidating. She does however, acknowledge his new haircut with a slight nod of approval.

Okay, slightly less intimidating.

Natasha and Clint are already there, arguing over something he knows is trivial because Natasha’s smiling and she doesn't smile when she's genuinely offended. Clint looks relaxed, his legs resting on the table, to Hill’s disapproving glances.

The others start to shuffle in over the next five minutes, Steve, followed by Sam, and then one minute late, Tony shows up. Bucky hasn't seen him since that whole parent killing confession, but Tony doesn't look like he wants to kill Bucky, and even makes a quip about Bucky’s hair that he barely hears because he can only focus on his breathing and making his heart stop beating _so goddamn fast and loud_. Tony seats himself down in a seat that isn't the furthest possible seat from him, and Bucky takes that to mean progress.

“Thanks for finally gifting us with your presence, Stark,” Hill starts, rolling her eyes at Tony.

“I do what I can. I was in the lab all night fixing up Mark 42 for today,” Tony retorts, completely unfazed by any amount of sass thrown at him. Hill sighs once more, then directs everybody’s attention to the case notes in front of them.

Bucky flips his open, and the mission location sends his stomach into knots.

_Siberia_

He shouldn't be surprised, this was Intel that he himself had brought to Hill’s attention. He had given a list of all known HYDRA bases, at least, all known to him. He only knew what was necessary of a weapon, which is to say not very much. Infiltrating any other base would have been far less of an issue, but this was the base in which he was kept the most often, and it made him kind of sick to admit it. But he doesn't want to be a liability, so he bottles that up and compartmentalizes it with all the other shitty secrets that have somehow become a staple of his life. He tells himself that he'll be with Steve, and nothing will go wrong.

“We’ve been monitoring the bases that Barnes gave us the location of, and this one’s seen a recent spike in activity. We have reason to believe HYDRA’s operating out of it again.” Hill briefs the team.

Their mission would be to enter, clear the base of any potential weapons, capture (or kill, which Bucky kind of preferred given what the fuckers did to him) any HYDRA operatives, and gather intel. Simple, they'd done it dozens of times before. So why did Bucky have a queasy sense of unease (which he pushed down quietly and painfully) as they boarded the quinjet?

\---

They land in Siberia in a cloaked quinjet. They have the element of surprise, but not for long, because the only feasible way in is through the front door, and they have approximately three seconds before everyone in the building realizes the group that just stumbled into their base isn't part of their team of Nazi terrorists.

They get into formation outside the door, and Bucky punches in the code for the front door. ( _Yep, they haven't changed it in over 40 years - evil and dumb, HYDRA is the total package._ ) The doors move open excruciatingly slowly, and the team bursts in, guns blazing. Bucky is happy to let Tony take the lead with his blasters, while Natasha and Steve flank from the sides, taking out agents with swift punches. Sam is working on finding Clint a good vantage point, lifting him in a way Clint once described as “emasculating” (which might explain why Sam is currently holding him almost like he's holding a baby, and wearing the biggest shit-eating grin on his face). Bucky is happy to bring up the rear with a trusty knife snugly in either hand.

They make steady progress down toward the lower levels, where Bucky claims they keep their records. The rooms are getting more densely populated with HYDRA agents, so they're pretty sure they're on the right track.

Bucky doubles back into rooms to make sure that nobody’s playing dead (or passed out, since Steve had insisted no killing unless necessary). He finds himself lagging behind a little. No worries, he can hold his own.

The team arrives in a large room on a slightly lowered platform. There are three walls and one side that opens up to the cliffs. Bucky figures that the fall is probably even higher than the one he took in 1944, and probably nobody on the team wants to see if they'll survive that one. The cold Siberian air pricks at his flesh fingers, and he hears men moving in. It's clear that Steve does too, and nobody else, because soon his comms are filled with Steve yelling orders to a very confused team, immediately scrambling to follow them. Bucky doesn't have to hear his to get in position - he’s already slightly higher up, since he didn't follow everyone down to the lower platform, and is already a good distance behind. He finds a nice spot somewhere in a corner with his back covered, and sets up the sniper rifle he's been carrying on his back.

Bucky’s barely needed, because the team seems to be doing fine on their own. He takes out a few stragglers (shots to incapacitate, not to kill, _so you can calm the hell down, Rogers_ ) with startling precision and ruthlessness. He almost likes it when he hears the faint thud of them hitting the ground from all the way across the room. He doesn't hesitate, and he doesn't shake. He barely breathes. He stalks them and hunts them like the Winter Soldier was trained to. Not the same way Bucky Barnes used to have to hold his breath and line up a shot, then make it with sweaty palms.

Because he's not the same Bucky, and it's never been more painfully obvious.

Then, through his scope Bucky gets a vague glimpse of a man’s face, and it strikes Bucky right down to his core, and he's momentarily stunned. He doesn't have time to think about it, because suddenly Steve is shouting over his comms and he swivels over to see Captain America surrounded, with three guns pointed right at his head.

And then Bucky panics because he knows Steve, and that stupid kid is gonna try to save himself. He's gonna try to take out all three at once and probably get himself fucking shot in the process because even Captain America isn't faster than a bullet at point blank range.

_Think, Barnes._

_Your best friend is about to get shot to shit._

_You have about two nanoseconds before he does something stupid. You know him._

_We’ve been here before._

He breathes hard. The Winter Soldier never breathes hard. But Bucky does. And the words that come out of his mouth are very clearly not the Winter Soldier’s.

“Steve, remember France, Spring of 1943.”

_First off, why'd you have to call him Steve?_

Bucky doesn't have time to finish arguing with himself, because Steve does exactly what he’s supposed to. Exactly what Bucky told him to do when he was trapped in the exact same situation in France, 1943. He goes for the guy to his left, grabbing his arm and swinging him down to the ground. Bucky gets to work.

In 1943, he'd done this with shaking hands. Today, he does it with one beautiful, clean shot, taken in less than a fraction of a second, that knocks down one guy and is close enough to startle another. Another shot follows almost immediately, and the final guy joins his comrades on the hard concrete.

_Second, why the fuck did you have to explicitly say France?_

He could've just told Steve to go for the guy on his left, but he panicked. The Winter Soldier didn't panic, and that fact made him feel just the tiniest tinge of pride to be proven human. That tinge of pride wasn't enough, however, to override the fact that he hated himself for ruining months of careful, hard work.

He would have to come up with some excuse. Extenuating circumstances, maybe, only then do memories come back. Like the helicarrier. Seems plausible. Steve might eat that up, as he does with most of the lies Bucky tells. Bucky is suddenly a little concerned - Captain America should learn to be way less naïve.

Steve looks up at Bucky, and gives him a thumbs up and a smile. Bucky returns it with a small wave, but doesn't allow himself (or Steve) the luxury of a smile. Steve turns and returns to tossing the shield in ways that are frankly beyond the realm of physical possibility. Bucky turns back to thinning out the crowd with his impeccable aim and trusty rifle.

And he sees the man again. He takes aim, but he realizes he can't shoot.

Then he recognizes the man.

_Nobody from the program should still be alive._

_There shouldn't be anyone alive who knows those words._

_And coming here was a bad idea, Steve. A very bad idea._

“What? Bucky, are you okay?” Came Steve’s voice over his earpiece.

Bucky hadn't realized he'd said it out loud. Since his mouth was deciding to function right at this time, he'd try a last Hail Mary and maybe his body might (for once) cooperate in a time of distress.

It does.

“You have to leave right now. All of you have to leave right now,” Bucky hears himself say through shaky breaths.

Steve looks worried. Not the fucking right time Steve. Get out, then be worried. (And he’s emphasizing that last bit because Steve should be very, very worried.)

Bucky’s vision blurs. He tries to cover his ears but it's no use, they've somehow hooked up enough speakers in the room to blow his fucking eardrums out, and he can hear the words muffled, which is apparently enough. Note to self, (if self exists after this) get industrial strength ear plugs.

He feels everything about him switching off as the first word blasts across the entire compound.

“Желание” _Zhelaniye._

_Longing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I do like my cliffhangers. 
> 
> This chapter could've been one chapter with the next one, but I split them for... reasons (which you'll understand when you see the next one). Since they're both on the short side, I decided: early release! Next one will be up in a couple days (It's mostly already done)
> 
> Comments are my life. (and I promise I won't stupidly delete them from existence this time)


	6. Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve isn't dumb, you know. (Temporary POV shift, back to Bucky next chapter)

I am Steven Grant Rogers, and I know my best friend is lying to me. I've known he's been lying to me, even before he cared enough about me to let it slip.

Bucky thinks he's the best damn actor in the history of mankind, and I don't completely disagree, he'd do fine at Hollywood - he's got the acting chops and the jawline for it (I mean, besides the whole tortured assassin thing he has going). But I'm not some casual audience member who'll swoon at his pretty blue eyes and buy whatever role he's playing. I'm Captain America (and I wasn't born yesterday) and this is James Buchanan Barnes, who I've known all my life. I wouldn't be Steve Rogers if I couldn't tell that he's full of bullshit.

I knew he was lying when he first came in, claiming he hadn't remembered anything more since the helicarrier. I could see it in his guilty eyes and sad smile. But I wasn't gonna be the asshole that called him out for it.

I see the way he stiffens when I ask him about his memory, and how he shakes his head so violently and quickly I know it's a trained response. And I always see him steal a glance at me after, to make sure I'm not weeping on the ground. I do my best not to react - I had a run on Vaudeville you know, I know how to put on an act.

He told everyone to call him Barnes, and I didn't listen. It's a constant of my life, Bucky used to say, I never listen because I'm a ‘stubborn little punk’. But I’m willing to bet he's thankful for it. It's like something in him softens when I call him Bucky, like for a second he can forget he was ever the Winter Soldier. And even if he doesn't want to talk about what happened before the train and before the war, nothing’s gonna stop me from calling him his goddamn name - Bucky.

I knew he missed his sister, so I gave him an excuse to visit her. (It was a pretty shitty excuse, if you ask me, which only made his ruse more obvious when he agreed.) Whether or not he wanted to admit to her that he remembers, I wanted it to be his choice. I left for the bathroom, hiding there ten times longer than humanly necessary. When I came out, pretending to feel embarrassed at having spent so long in the bathroom (I was really playing a game on my phone that Sam had shown me where you match up candies and they disappear), I saw Rebecca holding back tears and trying to hide a smile. Of course Bucky couldn't resist. 

I took him to Coney Island because if he's anything like the Bucky I know, his best memories are the ones we made there together. I stuffed him with cotton candy the way he stuffed me with corn dogs back in ‘38. I saw the way he was staring at the Cyclone and it looked exactly like how I felt when I first came to Coney Island after waking up in this strange new world. I saw Bucky Barnes with the same childish enthusiasm that he had over 70 years ago.

I constantly bring up his memories because I keep thinking that at some point he’ll get tired of lying. I know tears him up inside. So I ask and I ask and hope that he takes one of those chances as an out to finally admit it. Yeah, no such luck. I forget Bucky’s as stubborn as I am, so we’re stuck in this eternal deadlock of obstinacy. What on earth did I ever do to deserve a friend so painfully determined to protect me as Bucky Barnes?

I know why he's doing this. I've kind of pieced it together from all the things he's said and all the yelling he did at Coney Island. I could hear his voice trembling behind his shouts, and I wanted to wrap myself around him and tell him it's ok. He's not the same Bucky that he was before. But he doesn't see that I'm not the same Steve either, and I'm more than willing to take this crazy trip together where we try to find out who we are and what we mean to each other again but I can't do that when he's constantly hiding everything from me. But he was shouting and he was shaking and I just wanted to hug him but I couldn't. So I gave him the notebook. An exact replica of the one he had on his table back in 1940 (also courtesy of yours truly then). It was a kind of an olive branch. I wanted to give him something familiar without making it too explicit that I saw right through him.

And for my troubles I got glimpses of Bucky almost giving up the ruse. He cut his hair so he looks like the Bucky I knew, and he saved me on that mission in the same way he did in ‘43. But I didn't push, I gave him time. In time, I hoped he would finally stop with the lies and the secrets. 

But he's not going to have much time now. 

I found the notebook in his room. After the mission. The first half of the book (and it's a pretty thick one, mind you) was already filled with Bucky’s messy scrawl, frantically trying to record memories, as if he'd forget them the next moment. I held it close to my chest, and pictured Bucky doing the same thing. Quietly, I hoped Bucky was holding tight to those memories, because it was all that was left of Bucky Barnes and it was what would save him from HYDRA. Again. 

HYDRA thinks they got the Winter Soldier back, but they got way more than they bargained for. They got James Buchanan Barnes (who's the most stubborn jerk ever), with all these memories, and the wrath of all his friends (Including this stubborn little punk). If they want the Winter Soldier, they're gonna have to get through me, Bucky and 90 years of pigheadedness from the two greatest shitheads in the world.

Til the end of the fucking line, pal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favorite chapter, sorry it's on the short side! (Had to split it from the previous one so the POV change didn't seem too sudden)
> 
> As always, update within the week, and your comments will sustain me till then!


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